Stuck

The first posting of course comes on an extraordinary, blue, chilly, February day.  I started blogging 19  (shhh) years ago in college and like so many things in my life it just petered out over time.  The times when I have recorded my thoughts most consistently are in times of trouble, and so I feel compelled to come back to the word now.  When I think about why I write, I used to think it was so I could remember things.  As a young person I had an extreme fear of forgetting.  In my happiest, greatest moments I would feel compelled to write afterwards, to record as closely as possible the moments and memories and feelings of the time.

And so I wrote about... the mission trips with church in paper, and then later in the blog about college life and dating life, studying abroad and exploring, marrying and moving and building my life.  Something about growing up starts to seem mundane.  Days start to look more similar.  Go to work, come home.  Probably watch TV.  Maybe bike, or do a triathlon.  Maybe I stop writing.  I feel like there's nothing to write about.  Then infertility.  Then a Baby! Then holy crap I have a baby.  Then another.  And my life now.  Busy and slow.

I am hard on my current self and forgiving of my past self.  I am prone to inertia.  When I get going, watch out!  But when I slow down it is so hard to restart.  I sink into the rhythm of days at home.  Wake up, work, take care of the kids, sleep.  Rinse, repeat.  Rinse, repeat.  Sink.  Sink into the couch.  Sink into my mind.  I'm stuck.  Gray after gray day after day.  

So how to get unstuck? Maybe you've been stuck too?  Maybe you know how to get unstuck?  Maybe not?

Processing helps me.  I have verbally processed with my husband to the point of tears (my tears, to be clear), and I can't do that any more.  So this is my little corner of my life to process, to think, to do what I want to.  And to step up and out of the gray.  

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